One person has signed a petition 600 times opposing a planned parade in Inverness city centre to celebrate Zombie Culture, describing it as unsavoury and deeply offensive.
To make things worse the organisers of ZombieNess, set to take place on October 26th and 27th, have not even bothered to apply for permission to march around Inverness High Street and the Old Town because they don’t have to.
Martin Luther, a Time Travelling Preacher with 15th Century dental problems and a strange accent; has written 600 names selected at random on a petition opposing ZombieNess on moral, religious and biblical grounds; and has also sent a letter to himself.
Mr Morrison, of 1483, Eisleben Street, Inverness, claimed that during Zombie events held elsewhere; that members of the dead community had flaunted their immorality and missing digits in the most extravagant ways imaginable.
“This becomes especially evident in places like inner city cemeteries when the Zombies allegedly thrust their lewdness in the faces of absolutely nobody at all by deliberately frolicking unashamedly in the darkness while everybody else is asleep. Not that I have seen it myself. he said.
“However if these Zombie events do go ahead, they are likely to be witnessed by myself when I make sure that I go past on the top deck of the Number 9 bus in order to make sure that I able to be deeply offended”.
Mr Luther added that the streets of Inverness were public places that should be kept child-friendly, family-friendly and people-friendly at all times; and argued this was not the case when Zombie lifestyles were being promoted everywhere.
His petition also includes proxy signatures in his own handwriting from across the world featuring such Zombie free tolerant communities as a commune near Ullapool, a bus stop near Skye and the folk who live in the car park outside the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka. Mr Luther did however confirm that most were from Inverness where everybody has the same type of handwriting and owns the same type of pen.
A spokesthing for the ZombieNess, which is organising the festivities, said Mr Luther was entitled to his opinions; even though on 15 June 1520, the Pope warned him that he risked excommunication unless he stopped picking on Zombies and recanted 41 sentences drawn from his writings, including the Ninety-five Theses, within 60 days.
The spokesthing added “Zombies have no problem with him ( or any of his alter egos) holding views from 600 years ago and we totally respect that. But there are a lot of other people who don’t hold those views; and you will always get people who don’t like Zombie stuff.”
Referring to his comments about people frolicking in the dark in cemeteries, the spokesthing said: “Basically ZombieNess is a celebration and if he doesn’t like people eating each others brains and enjoying themselves, I can see that would be a problem for him. However there was nothing obviously illegal about ZombieNess (apart from the eating of brains) and nothing untoward will be happening once the Zombies have been fed. It will be totally family-friendly because let’s face it; kids really do make the perfect snack.”
“Zombies think everybody should have the right to live in pieces and we understand that Mr Luther has a moral objection which is his own personal objection; and we will be the first to say that he is perfectly entitled to have that that. All we are saying is that he should not try to enforce his moral objection on everyone else. The good news is that, obviously he is going to be safe during ZombieNess because the brain that come up with that petition is hardly likely to offer any fine dining”.
The main ZombieNess event hub will be the Inverness Victorian Market. The ZombieNess Protesters Meeting will take in the phone box next to the Town House.